Impending End February 2, 2010

No amount of motivation can be so enticing to lift me up from my state right now.

Yesterday i felt so alive because he is back communicating to me.  But the waiting for his messages to arrived makes my heart grew fonder.  I missed him more, and each time i wait for his messages.

None has arrived yet today.  Have i given so much that i needed to set limits?  Or is this a prelude to what would soon be end to communication?

I can feel there is a change in him.  Though i would be for the good of us that he will stop communicating.  But i ask myself now…is the love we expressed last month can easily be replaced with coldness?  How i wish there would be more time for us to keep in touch, to express the love that we felt more openly to each other…but none of this would be easy.  None that can benefit us both in the end.

Father if this is a way to an impending end, let it be quick…let our hearts bleed and give us the courage and the strength to move on. Amen.

And I Love You So January 27, 2010

Tonight i will not reply to your email.  I will not keep in touch.  Not because I do not want to, but simply because i am missing you.  Each day, i think about you, i longed for something concrete between us even if i knew that loving you is just a dream.

Yes, we love each other. The feeling grow stronger everyday.  We express it despite the demands of our work.  Our thoughts were occupied by each other, our heart aches knowing we are so far away. And each day, though we are alive, we live life dreaming of something which are built in the clouds.

How can i say don’t let go of me?  You are never mind to want, you can never be mine to need.  You are never mine and can never be mine, for you belonged to Him.

How can i say follow your heart? When i know it is I whom it beats to, when i know it’s because of me you live.

How can i continue to breathe life when i know i love you so?

But why does loving you mean i’ll be moving far from God?  I couldn’t choose you over my feathers.  I couldn’t do bad to stop being near to God’s grace.  May i remember tonight that i was given a second chance in life to straighten my wrongs…i couldn’t do another mistake by continuing to love you.

If there’s any other way, i would tell you tonight ” and i love you so”.

If only i could.

I can move on, i can learn to forget you even if it will hurt.  If needed i will then i would do it.

My Wings January 21, 2010

Lately, i had fallen in love to someone who is forbidden.  It started with the walk.  It was not an ordinary walk because for it lasted more than ten hours.  More, two more walks were granted to us.  In all those moments, we thought it was the last time, we both know it was the only moment given to us, no future to look forward to, but just those moments.  We said goodbye three times.

Those walks were special, because it had touched our hearts and changed our lives.  It has awakened feelings within our soul that laid dormant for years.  Yes, it was unexpected, it was so short a time, but the memories are enough to last for a lifetime.

I had fallen to him, someone who belongs to God.  I didn’t mean to.  What started to be just savoring the special feeling turned out to be testing fate.  What started to be just feeling good about being cared, turned out into loving, wishing and longing.

Having this feeling is not a sin, but it is what we do with this feelings that will make us sin.  But can this feeling be contained?    We had been expressing it to each other in disguise of friendship, but the communication everyday and the concerns we express for each other are proof enough that this isn’t a simple friendship.

I reflect tonight, what is more important, this love or my wings?

Years ago, i had wished for my wings.  The Lord had whispered to me that i need to work for it by doing one good deed at a time.  A good deed will merit a feather for my wings.  So i had put this into heart.  It made me conscious to do good and it increases my awareness when i do bad.

I don’t want to trade my earned feathers for anything special on Earth.  I know this by heart.   So please help me God.

January 5, 2010

It’s shocking how i didn’t get to write in this journal for so long.  The last entry was still written in the Philippine and now i am here already in Rome for 4 months.

Nonetheless, my life had recently undergoing transformation.

August 25, 2009

It is by grace I will receive.

I feel that i will get my Shengen Visa today.  I rejoice and praise God for this blessings…..

I Believe in You August 25, 2009

This is the day,  in few more hours i will know if i will get my Shengen Visa from the Netherlands Embassy.  My feelings where mix in anticipation.  But it is your silent whispers  Lord or Your immesaries that I am calming my heart and lifting it all to you until the second I will hear from the visa personnel this afternoon.

But before that Father, I would like to take a moment to thank you for giving me this opportunity and to experience this unique calling.  You have blessed each steps that I took to reach this far.  It is like You have sent angels who are instruments to help me.  In all of this, i offer to you my humblest and sincerest praise.

My heart was touched when Mama said her opening prayers the other night.  It was humbling to know that her prayers for me are not just because she wanted me to be far, earn and help them but beyond it was her prayer that I will achieve my dreams and ambition there.  I am yet to heal and reconcile with myself that I am trully love by her.  I lift this to Mama Mary that i may achieve this through my devotion to Her.

Father, I am praying too, that while you give me this beautiful chance to a new life in Rome.  I humbly pray that you will prepare a place for me there which is close to You.  A place where I can worship you and build my faith stronger.  Please don’t let me be too far and vulnerable to temptations and sin.  May I merit Your Archangel’s friendship and protection.  May St. Jhudiel be my source of inner voice and comfort when i feel too alone and low.

In closing Father, I thank you for giving me Mama Mary Help of Christians as my protectress, my intercessor and my strength in this journey.  She had been with me all the time.  Her prodding had made me find a safe ground to plant my steps.  Her comfort I feel everytime I doubt.  Father, i am yet to grow my wings, please bless me and guide me as i earn one feather at a time.

I will not doubt.  I believe in You.

Amen.

A Bottle of Prayers July 28, 2009

I am writing this message today to mark this turbulent stage in my life.  A point where new opportunities came amidst the trials then being sandwich by another problem.  My question is will i shout out to heaven that it’s too much, or cry my heart out in defeat?  Yet i know that both will neither give me answers, not solutions to this trials.  More i will feel defeat, i will feel burdened by this situations in my family.

Father, i come before you today, i lift up my life, my family and this situation we are in.  I humbled down before you, thanking you of the gift of life and the little miracles you send to me everyday.  I feel this is part of your testing me, my faith and a prodding that i should never give up.  I will not give up Father, but please send me an equal strength to face it, to walk through all this knowing that You are with me, helping me, guiding me, loving me.

Mama Mary, please intercede for me that i may merit from Thy Father the graces which i stand in need.  Guide me in every step, in every decision, and in every opportunity that is thrown my way.  Send me your angels to paved the path you wanted me to walk, so that i will join the angels in proclaiming your glory in heaven.

Despite all these challenges in my life, I thank you for all the graces, the mercies and the blessings you gave me and my family.  Keep us close to you, keep our faith and love strong.  May we one day find peace, find fulfillment, find contentment of the simple and humble life you will give us.  May by then, we will be able to help others journey on their turbulent times, just as you are doing so in our lives now.

All these i ask and offer in Jesus name, Amen.

July 14, 2009

The one thing i like reading people’s blog is to learn how they are and see if there are new tricks i can adapt.  But then when their litany of words became an outpouring of their negative emotions, it just upsets me.  Like it is too much to be meddling with their own problems when i have lots of my own.

Yes, i had given up for now the dream to work as househelp in Spain.  I had prayed hard to God about it and even made a pact with Him.  But i think it is more of where my heart is right now that made me stay and prayed hard that He will send the ‘big miracle’ i am begging.

I tried to manage the stress i am lately by thinking positive, talking to my bigtime angel Jhudiel  and listening to some favorite instrumentals.  These nuisance are things i can’t control, they just come popping …

July 1, 2009

Father, i come at your midst.  I humble myself, this present confused and troubled self.  I am restless, i felt like dropping a long  way with no bottom to see.  The thought of even hitting the buttom scared me.  It is like i am suspended somewhere between the earth and the endless sky.  I have no one i can hold on to, not even the wind that surrounded me while i fall.

Father, my life is a crossroad, a moment….

June 23, 2009

I have two realizations today; refraining from keeping in touch and reading Malou’s blog depresses me.

The first not because i don’t want to, but i choosed not to because i have enough in my life already to actually meddle to other’s life.  I’ve known that Ian had impregnated a woman he is seeing with.  Being her bestfriend i should be there to lend opinions or whatever else he needed.  But the thought of journeying with him emotionally is something i can’t bare now.  I have enough of turmoil in my life that i can almost say “its too much already”.  I believed this outcome was a product of his decisions and actions, he is responsible to this consequences.  He will survive too, i know.  I am offering a prayer for him instead.  May the Lord of compassion and life strengthen him and guide him on what he is to do next.

Malou’s blog is an outpouring of her life.  She have so many struggles just like any other else.  I’ve been following for it for months already to see her photographs, the content is just a bonus if i have enough time.  But everytime i do, i can’t help but feel for her and depending on what she is currently facing, her moods and her feelings can swing back and forth like a pendelium.  The low times are just worst to my current emotional state.  I sympathized for her but i just can’t do more than that.  The sadness and negativism is just too much.  Still i hope God will guide and give her inner peace.